By Crystal Drake

Papa Dub (my husband’s grandpa name) & I will celebrate 40 years of marriage next month!  I think everyone is surprised that we made it this far, including us!  To say we’ve had a rocky marriage is an enormous understatement.  The lyrics from the song a friend sang at our wedding truly described our impending experience.  “And even though we ‘aint got money, I’m so in love with you honey & everything will bring a chain of love.”  Ironically, Honey is now my grandma name & God provided the money.  It has never been easy because we both brought way too much childhood trauma into our relationship.  Maybe everyone does?  Our marriage has been full of hard work, tense moments, angry words, tears, hurt feelings, jealousy, resentment, loneliness, disappointment, fear, in-laws, out-laws (those were on my side LOL) and just about every negative emotion you can conjure.  But praise God there has also been loads of laughter, comfort, ease, excitement, love, friendship, cooperation, success, ball games, rodeos, homecomings & proms, hunting & fishing trips, birthday parties, graduations, weddings, six grandchildren, lots of good food & things I can’t mention because…well, my children might read this!  Marriage is a mixture of both priceless & horrendous times & if people tell you otherwise, don’t believe them.

Unfortunately, we still have explosive arguments and sometimes the topic is the same as ten years ago.  When we argue, things come to the surface that each of us has tried to ignore & stuff down inside ourselves just to keep the peace.  But when anger shows up, it all comes spilling over like Niagara Falls.  I thought that by now we would have had all of our ‘issues’ worked out & it grieves me when I realize we don’t.  But something tells me that we never will.  As long as we are in the flesh & on this side of heaven, we will have issues with those around us – not just our spouses either.  Living at peace with everyone you know is not for the fainthearted.  It takes humility & Jesus working in us to overcome the temptations that come against us daily to complain, to be over sensitive to the words of others, to get bored hearing the same old stories, to stay devoted when we feel like giving up, to love someone when we’re secretly sticking our tongue out at them when they turn their back! (Yes, I’ve actually done that as an adult because it’s nicer than saying what’s really on my mind & it makes me feel better!) You’re probably way too mature for that.

However, each day is a new chance to make peace with those around us.  Times of conflict actually bring me closer to Jesus, because I realize that my husband (or my friends) cannot fill all the needs that I have, even though I believe he really tries.  I’m just a hot mess and truthfully, so is he, and possibly…so are you?!  It’s strange how things that happened in my childhood will sometimes creep into my thoughts & I will realize what a negative effect they still have on my behavior.  It’s taking me a lifetime to work through all the ‘stuff’ that I saw, heard and did as a child.  So when the ‘D’ word presents itself to my brain, I think of a marathon runner quitting with the end of the race in sight…no way!  There’s been too much blood, sweat & tears to quit now!

So, today is Sunday and I have a date with my Father.  I will throw my hands up and sing to him because my throaty, hoarse, off-key voice sounds pleasing to him.  I’ll ask Him…again, to strengthen me, my marriage & my other relationships.  And the beautiful truth is that He has already done it & is taking the arguments & using them for our good.  The Bible says, “But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible”  (Ephesians 5:13 ESV).  So don’t be afraid to tell your spouse or your friends or your co-workers how you really feel – be transparent & tell the truth, but do it with kindness if possible.  Happy Anniversary Dub – I love you more today than I did on May 25, 1979, in that Baptist Church on Ventura Ave., when we were just children searching for ourselves inside a relationship with someone else…