A Chain of Love

By Crystal Drake

Papa Dub (my husband’s grandpa name) & I will celebrate 40 years of marriage next month! I think everyone is surprised that we made it this far, including us! To say we’ve had a rocky marriage is an enormous understatement. The lyrics from the song a friend sang at our wedding truly described our impending experience. “And even though we ‘aint got money, I’m so in love with you honey & everything will bring a chain of love.” Ironically, Honey is now my grandma name & God provided the money. It has never been easy because we both brought way too much childhood trauma into our relationship. Maybe everyone does? Our marriage has been full of hard work, tense moments, angry words, tears, hurt feelings, jealousy, resentment, loneliness, disappointment, fear, in-laws, out-laws (those were on my side LOL) and just about every negative emotion you can conjure. But praise God there has also been loads of laughter, comfort, ease, excitement, love, friendship, cooperation, success, ball games, rodeos, homecomings & proms, hunting & fishing trips, birthday parties, graduations, weddings, six grandchildren, lots of good food & things I can’t mention because…well, my children might read this! Marriage is a mixture of both priceless & horrendous times & if people tell you otherwise, don’t believe them.

Unfortunately, we still have explosive arguments and sometimes the topic is the same as ten years ago. When we argue, things come to the surface that each of us has tried to ignore & stuff down inside ourselves just to keep the peace. But when anger shows up, it all comes spilling over like Niagara Falls. I thought that by now we would have had all of our ‘issues’ worked out & it grieves me when I realize we don’t. But something tells me that we never will. As long as we are in the flesh & on this side of heaven, we will have issues with those around us – not just our spouses either. Living at peace with everyone you know is not for the fainthearted. It takes humility & Jesus working in us to overcome the temptations that come against us daily to complain, to be over sensitive to the words of others, to get bored hearing the same old stories, to stay devoted when we feel like giving up, to love someone when we’re secretly sticking our tongue out at them when they turn their back! (Yes, I’ve actually done that as an adult because it’s nicer than saying what’s really on my mind & it makes me feel better!) You’re probably way too mature for that.

However, each day is a new chance to make peace with those around us. Times of conflict actually bring me closer to Jesus, because I realize that my husband (or my friends) cannot fill all the needs that I have, even though I believe he really tries. I’m just a hot mess and truthfully, so is he, and possibly…so are you?! It’s strange how things that happened in my childhood will sometimes creep into my thoughts & I will realize what a negative effect they still have on my behavior. It’s taking me a lifetime to work through all the ‘stuff’ that I saw, heard and did as a child. So when the ‘D’ word presents itself to my brain, I think of a marathon runner quitting with the end of the race in sight…no way! There’s been too much blood, sweat & tears to quit now!

So, today is Sunday and I have a date with my Father. I will throw my hands up and sing to him because my throaty, hoarse, off-key voice sounds pleasing to him. I’ll ask Him…again, to strengthen me, my marriage & my other relationships. And the beautiful truth is that He has already done it & is taking the arguments & using them for our good. The Bible says, “But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible” (Ephesians 5:13 ESV). So don’t be afraid to tell your spouse or your friends or your co-workers how you really feel – be transparent & tell the truth, but do it with kindness if possible. Happy Anniversary Dub – I love you more today than I did on May 25, 1979, in that Baptist Church on Ventura Ave., when we were just children searching for ourselves inside a relationship with someone else…

What I Learned from a 14 Year Old This Week

My friend received an email from her son’s middle school teacher this week. This was part of the message: …I wanted to thank you for raising such a nice young man and let you know of your son’s admirable behavior yesterday. A student in class was very loudly disrespectful to me and your son spoke up and told that boy, “Don’t talk to her like that.” The email went on to say that the other students took their attention away from the disrespectful student and noticed more that her son had had the courage to be an ‘upstander’.

As I read the words of the email, I was proud and ashamed all at once. I was super proud of my friend’s child because he’s an amazing young man, but at the same time, I was ashamed of myself. Many situations ran through my mind of times when I had simply sat by and not addressed inappropriate behavior. Of course, as a classroom teacher, I had certainly done so. But when it comes to my peers and my family, I have often pretended I just didn’t see or hear, or simply walked away not knowing how to respond, just trying to keep the peace. So I asked myself, “Why didn’t you speak up?” My answer was, I was fearful that I might lose a friend, or push someone’s buttons and send them into a rage, or lose a relationship with someone that I loved deeply and possibly run them out of my life forever. When I realized that the root of those decisions was fear, I recognized that I had been deceived into believing that peace was more important than truth. No decision made out of fear, unless it’s something ridiculous, like skydiving or riding a bull, should be made because of fear. I hate fear and all that it represents. I know where it comes from and I absolutely agree with the song lyrics by Zach Williams that so perfectly “calls out” fear by saying, “Fear is a Liar!” It’s a great song, by the way.

1 John 4:18 says, “Perfect love casts out all fear”. If we sincerely love people, we need to stand up to them when we see them doing wrong. Maybe we shouldn’t do it at the exact moment, but later on, in private…in love. We don’t genuinely love people if we don’t want to help them grow. 2 Timothy 1:7 states, “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” Many years ago, I was an instructional aide at an elementary school. One day, one of the teachers I worked with, made a first grade student cry. The student ran over to me and grabbed me around the legs sobbing, desperately seeking my help. I was heartbroken for the child, because from my perspective, the teacher was the one with the inappropriate behavior. I went back to the teacher several days later (that’s how long it took me to muster up the courage to have a conversation that I knew wasn’t going to go well). I privately let her know that I didn’t approve of how she treated the child. Needless to say, she very quickly put me in my place by reminding me that I worked under her supervision and had no right to question anything she said or did in HER classroom. The years went by, I became a teacher, and we would occasionally bump into each other; we usually both tried to avoid one another. But eventually, after many more years went by, we were able to produce small talk with one another again, and I think she forgave me for getting ‘out of my lane’. I forgave her when I went through menopause and playfully (??) choked my own teacher’s aide one day in class instead of a student (sorry Carolyn)! I guess maybe I was out of line. But, I can truthfully say, I have never regretted that confrontation. I knew in my heart that it was the right thing to do and that maybe, as awkward as it was, that conversation might save another child from mistreatment. However, after that incident, for many years, I was reluctant to confront others because I knew what it could do to a relationship. But today, I am inspired, by a kid named Gabe, who by the way isn’t exactly perfect. His mom just texted me that she had to scream at him three times to get out of bed this morning. Come on mom, being a voice against evil is exhausting work…but, it’s the crystal clear choice

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Tidy Up Your Thoughts

I have currently been mesmerized by the Marie Kondo phenomenon. She’s written books and even has a Netflix show on organizing your home. However, her process includes an unusual way of getting one’s home ‘tidy’, not necessarily clean, but tidy. Everything in your home must be analyzed and then either given or thrown away OR kept and stored so that its owner can truly appreciate the item. She recommends starting with clothing; students are instructed to place ALL of their clothes in a huge pile on the bed or floor. She says one needs to see the sheer volume of their possessions before beginning to decide which items to keep. Kondo describes the procedure by telling her students to hold the item and ask if it brings joy. Is there a thrill as the item is touched, is it truly loved, does it spark joy? If the answer is yes, the item must be kept and a special home for the item must be created. If, however, there are no positive feelings associated with the item, it must go immediately.

As I contemplated this process, I thought about our minds, our thought lives and emotions, and I began to compare them to the items in our homes. I wondered if the same strategies could be used to declutter our thinking patterns and emotions. “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” Philippians 4:8

Imagine this scenario…begin by taking all of your thoughts and putting them on the table in front of you so that you can see the sheer volume of thoughts and emotions you own – both the positive and negative. For example, the jealousy you feel when someone else gets something you desperately want and you cover it up with a smile that is so insincere you feel like a contortionist. The envy of seeing other people succeed while you don’t seem to be making any progress. The insecurity you feel when someone belittles you or your ideas and you want to slither out under the rug quickly and quietly. The guilt you experience when you remember something from your past that always seems to be lurking in the back corner of your mind waiting on its chance to jump to the forefront. The frustration you feel rising within you, like water coming to a boil on the stove, when your customer service experience makes you feel as if you’re an imposition instead of a paying consumer. But don’t forget to put the good thoughts on the table too, like the joy you feel when a child embraces you and you feel so accepted. The pure joy that overwhelms you when your family sits down together to eat and talk and laugh, as if nothing else is going on in the world that deserves your attention in those moments. The satisfaction you feel when you finally reach a goal you worked hard to achieve and you realize the sacrifices were worth the reward. The love you feel for a beloved spouse who knows all your flaws, yet still chooses to be with you. Now…once they are all out on the table, pick each one up and hold it in your hands. Ask yourself, “Does this thought or feeling bring me joy?” If so, fold it neatly and store it vertically in your mind so that you can quickly find it when needed, Marie Kondo style. If not, say goodbye, knowing that you received some satisfaction from that feeling somewhere in your past, but now you’ve grown and you realize you don’t need that with you anymore.

This is the process we all need to go through so that we can focus on what our Creator intended, before we allowed too many ‘things’ to crowd our minds. We are loved and accepted and we need not dwell on thoughts that don’t bring us joy. Thank you Marie Kondo, for not only helping me get my house tidied up, but for reminding me that if I keep only those thoughts and feelings that align with the Word of God and get rid of the others, I will be full of real joy. The unspeakable joy that only Jesus Christ can bring.