What I Learned from a 14 Year Old This Week

My friend received an email from her son’s middle school teacher this week. This was part of the message: …I wanted to thank you for raising such a nice young man and let you know of your son’s admirable behavior yesterday. A student in class was very loudly disrespectful to me and your son spoke up and told that boy, “Don’t talk to her like that.” The email went on to say that the other students took their attention away from the disrespectful student and noticed more that her son had had the courage to be an ‘upstander’.

As I read the words of the email, I was proud and ashamed all at once. I was super proud of my friend’s child because he’s an amazing young man, but at the same time, I was ashamed of myself. Many situations ran through my mind of times when I had simply sat by and not addressed inappropriate behavior. Of course, as a classroom teacher, I had certainly done so. But when it comes to my peers and my family, I have often pretended I just didn’t see or hear, or simply walked away not knowing how to respond, just trying to keep the peace. So I asked myself, “Why didn’t you speak up?” My answer was, I was fearful that I might lose a friend, or push someone’s buttons and send them into a rage, or lose a relationship with someone that I loved deeply and possibly run them out of my life forever. When I realized that the root of those decisions was fear, I recognized that I had been deceived into believing that peace was more important than truth. No decision made out of fear, unless it’s something ridiculous, like skydiving or riding a bull, should be made because of fear. I hate fear and all that it represents. I know where it comes from and I absolutely agree with the song lyrics by Zach Williams that so perfectly “calls out” fear by saying, “Fear is a Liar!” It’s a great song, by the way.

1 John 4:18 says, “Perfect love casts out all fear”. If we sincerely love people, we need to stand up to them when we see them doing wrong. Maybe we shouldn’t do it at the exact moment, but later on, in private…in love. We don’t genuinely love people if we don’t want to help them grow. 2 Timothy 1:7 states, “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” Many years ago, I was an instructional aide at an elementary school. One day, one of the teachers I worked with, made a first grade student cry. The student ran over to me and grabbed me around the legs sobbing, desperately seeking my help. I was heartbroken for the child, because from my perspective, the teacher was the one with the inappropriate behavior. I went back to the teacher several days later (that’s how long it took me to muster up the courage to have a conversation that I knew wasn’t going to go well). I privately let her know that I didn’t approve of how she treated the child. Needless to say, she very quickly put me in my place by reminding me that I worked under her supervision and had no right to question anything she said or did in HER classroom. The years went by, I became a teacher, and we would occasionally bump into each other; we usually both tried to avoid one another. But eventually, after many more years went by, we were able to produce small talk with one another again, and I think she forgave me for getting ‘out of my lane’. I forgave her when I went through menopause and playfully (??) choked my own teacher’s aide one day in class instead of a student (sorry Carolyn)! I guess maybe I was out of line. But, I can truthfully say, I have never regretted that confrontation. I knew in my heart that it was the right thing to do and that maybe, as awkward as it was, that conversation might save another child from mistreatment. However, after that incident, for many years, I was reluctant to confront others because I knew what it could do to a relationship. But today, I am inspired, by a kid named Gabe, who by the way isn’t exactly perfect. His mom just texted me that she had to scream at him three times to get out of bed this morning. Come on mom, being a voice against evil is exhausting work…but, it’s the crystal clear choice

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Don’t Let Your Children Run Away!

Photo by Oleksandr Pidvalnyi on Pexels.com

“I’m going to run away,” I cried!

“Go ahead, I’ll help you pack your bags,” she responded.

Those words still echo in my soul sometimes. As an adult, I understand now that they were meant as sarcasm…I think! But as a child, they hit me like a bullet going straight through a little girl’s heart. I was a child who lived with my grandparents most of my life beginning at one month old, but off and on, when I was in 4^th – 7^th grade, I did part of that time with my mom.

There was always a sense of not being wanted that loomed around me like a dark cloud. If I misbehaved at one home, I was told, “Well, you can just go back and live with your grandparents if you don’t like my rules.” Or “We’ll send you back to your mother if you don’t behave.” So I learned how to be a ‘good girl’ so that I would be allowed to stay.

“The tongue has the power of life and death…”(Proverbs 18:21). If we don’t believe that words have power, we are going to hurt others and be hurt numerous times in our lives; so many people sling powerful words around like a loaded shotgun shooting holes in the walls without even realizing all the damage they are causing. I’m certain I’ve been guilty of this myself. When hurtful words come at us like fiery darts, we’d better put up our shields. If not, we’ll be walking around injured for decades, without even realizing that there were some painful words that we internalized that created that still touchy scar.

Be careful how you talk to others, especially children. Let them know that they are important and that even if you are aggravated with their behavior – you love and care for them as a human being and that they are not only wanted, but cherished. There are many words I spoke to my children that I wish I could rescind, thank goodness for God’s grace that has covered so many of my mistakes.

However, we can learn to apply the scripture that says, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good…” (Genesis 50:20). So, years later when my own children shouted, “I’m going to run away!” I gently replied, “Please don’t do that, I don’t want you to leave.” That was one battle the enemy lost when he tried to engage me again. I didn’t repeat the generational “pack your bags” line. No…I drew a line in the sand and ended that curse and so can you. Take what the enemy has hurt you with and turn it around and use it against him in Jesus’ name! In education, we call that using a non-example!

Mother-In-Laws!

I figured that title would pull in some new readers. It’s a slippery slope to talk about the “in laws” isn’t it? I think all of us want the approval of our mothers-in-law. You know, it IS their ‘baby girl’ princess or ‘perfect in every way’ baby boy that you’ve stolen!

Before I even begin, let me give a disclaimer, I love my mother-in-law. If it weren’t for her, I would have never made almost 40 years of marriage. She talked me off the ledge and out of divorce court multiple times in the early days of my wedded bliss and for that, I am forever thankful. However, she doesn’t own a computer, so I know that she’ll never read this, unless one of you throw me under the bus. And then there’s the fact that I AM a mother-in-law myself and I’m certain there have been times that I’ve said the wrong words. So Erin (she reads my blogs) and Tuyl, please forgive me for my past and future mistakes. I love you both and couldn’t be prouder of who my children chose to marry. You are both amazing parents and spouses to my ‘perfect in every way’ boy and my ‘baby girl’ princess!

Now that that’s out of the way, I feel compelled to share my latest revelation that occurred because of a can of turnip greens! God sometimes shows up with lessons in the strangest places. For over 40 years, I have tried to gain the approval of my mother-in-law and yesterday it finally hit me like a brick…I don’t need it! And truthfully, she probably doesn’t even realize that I’ve been desperately longing to hear her say that she is proud of me, of my marriage, of my children, or of our accomplishments. In fact, in her defense, she has spoken words of approval over the years, but they were never enough to fill my obviously empty tank, that was probably caused by a childhood of not feeling wanted. I’m throwing away that tank today and I’m taking her off the hook! I have the approval of the Creator of the universe – why do I need the approval of another sojourner?

Some people have so much emotional pain and baggage of their own, that they can’t even recognize the needs of those around them. They are empty themselves, yet we expect them to fill our needs. So what do we do with these ‘toxic’ people in our lives? We work with them, they’re our neighbors, or maybe even family members. Do we simply give a cold shoulder and ignore or avoid them? Do we put up our guard when we have to be around them and resolve that no matter what they say or do, we WILL NOT allow it to hurt us or get under our skin…yet again? I’ve tried these tactics and others and they never seem to work. So I asked myself the obvious cliché’ – what would Jesus do? I remembered that Jesus called Peter (his dear friend) Satan and then told him to get behind him that he was a stumbling block. This shows me that even those who follow Jesus can be the mouthpiece of our enemy. So, I’ve decided to try something new. When I get around anyone who brings out the worst in me: anger, a sense of rejection, guilt, depression, judgment, etc., I am going to laugh. I’ve realized that I am allowing them to control me and steal my joy. I have become their puppet; you and I need to cut those strings and quit dancing for them. Ecclesiastes 3:4 says, “There is a time to laugh” – I think this is a perfect time to laugh at Satan and the old approval addicted me.

We are called to love one another, not to constantly seek their approval. We must hold on to our joy and peace at all cost, because that joy drives us to the next step in the journey and plan that God has for our lives. So love your mother-in-law or your own mother or your neighbor or your boss, but NEVER allow anyone to take your focus off of Jesus. So the next time someone else’s words hit a raw place in your soul like, “These aren’t the kind of turnip greens I wanted!” – try laughing at the failed attempt to steal your peace. “She is clothed with strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future” (Proverbs 31:25).